I know how you want to make a change but there is still no direction. You kind of want to get suggestions or advice. At some point you have a wake-up call, and you can no longer ignore that you are the only authority that you should listen to.
I know how you feel weak, but still you build strength to do it all. As such, life feels like a constant struggle. After a while, you so desperately want to rest or take a break or expect somebody to come and make it easier for you.
I know what it feels like when you don’t feel understood, or you never fit in. You sometimes get in different circles, groups or even relationships but you never feel like that’s a place you belong in, or even if you want to belong there, you are far from being happy.
I have had a challenging life, a story with different kinds of abuse in childhood, with a life built on my own, with a marriage that didn’t pass the test of time, which after 13 years ended with a divorce when our daughter was 9.
That same year, my mother transcended, ending a struggling life with cancer.
That year, the 37th of my life, was the first year of my new life. I changed my house, my job, everything exterior. Of course, I had my moments when it felt like the worst of it all and also moments of numbness. It felt like the death and the birth of me, everything constricted and then expanded in diverse ways, with different feelings, perspectives and depths. The limits exploded and I reached the contour of my own Universe and started this process of breathing with it: contracting and expanding with each breath, with each blink of my eyes, with each day and night and it is still going on.
I call it the birth of the new me. Was it easy? No, nothing easy about it. There was pain, there were questions, there was wonder and dark at times but also calm, and peace and light and it made so much sense inside me, and, as though it was the lowest moment of my life, I certainly feel most grateful for it.
Was that year the moment of my awakening? Was it long before that? I don’t believe anyone can define an exact moment for that, but it definitely was the moment when I felt the thirst for expansion, freedom and just being.